


In the palace of my shame

by gamerfic



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Backstory, Canon-Typical Violence, Developing Relationship, F/F, Misses Clause Challenge, Oral Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 03:12:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8873542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gamerfic/pseuds/gamerfic
Summary: Five times Revan rescued Juhani. One time they saved each other.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Shadaras](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadaras/gifts).



The first time Juhani sees the Jedi, she can scarcely believe they are real. They have just won a vicious battle, but their robes remain neat and clean. They walk with their heads held high and their backs unbent. Their squared shoulders have never known the weight of enslavement. Lightsabers hang openly from their belts, a symbol of their power and of all that sets them apart. Like everyone on Taris, she's heard stories of their greatness - and now, against, all odds, they are here to rescue her. The Jedi are brighter and stronger than anything on Taris, and Juhani knows she must find a way to join them.

One of the Jedi crouches before her and unlocks the shackles at her hands and feet, using a key taken from the overseer's rapidly cooling corpse. The Jedi wears finely woven dark grey robes, and a mask covers her face and disguises her voice. "You're safe now. Are you hurt?"

Juhani shakes her head, speechless. Before, she was resigned to slavery and death. Now, in a matter of moments, the Jedi have unwritten the inevitable and given her a future she never expected to have. The Jedi pulls her to her feet with one strong gloved hand - then hesitates, tilting her head as if in confusion. "Is something wrong?" Juhani asks shakily.

"No. But you're very strong in the Force. I wasn't expecting it."

Before Juhani can ask her rescuer to elaborate, another Jedi calls out, "Revan?" Revan's attention immediately turns toward a badly injured Twi'lek, and Juhani's eyes follow her as she tends to the other freed slaves. She's never seen anyone so confident, so free. Revan and her Jedi allies are powerful, and they use their power to save the lives of others with no expectation of reward. Juhani never imagined to see such selflessness in a place as cruel as Taris. 

Another Jedi approaches Juhani. "I'm sorry. Revan's needed elsewhere right now. Can I help you with anything? Do you have a safe place to go?"

"I will be fine," says Juhani. "But tell me - your companion Revan said I was strong in the Force. Was she telling the truth? I wouldn't know."

"Nor would I," says the other Jedi. "But Revan knows what she's talking about, and I'm inclined to believe what she says. But if you want to know for certain, come to the Jedi Academy on Dantooine. If you truly have potential, they'll spot it right away."

Despite Juhani's newfound freedom, anything beyond the surface of Taris still seems impossibly distant. The Jedi may as well have told her to return to the rubble of the Cathar homeworld and build herself a mansion there. Yet the knowledge of her own potential kindles something in her, a purpose she's never had the luxury to know in all her years of fighting for survival. _Dantooine. The Jedi Academy._ The words become a mantra, a single point of light to guide her into the future. Revan told her she could become something more than what she had been. She knows she dares not squander the faith a stranger placed in her.

* * *

The Jedi Masters warned Juhani that training at the Academy would be difficult, even for someone of her prodigious talents. And it is. She endures grueling physical challenges, pores over dense academic texts, submits herself to the ascetic Jedi lifestyle. But such rigors are different than the ones she suffered on Taris, and she is grateful for it. On Dantooine, she has a safe and comfortable bed, fresh healthful food in abundance, and the knowledge that she is always free to leave and choose a different path. Her struggles here are of a new kind.

The Academy's padawans hail from many worlds and represent many species, but few of them have ever seen a Cathar before. They fancy themselves too enlightened to approach Juhani with the same open revulsion expressed by the human population of Taris, but their politeness is often superficial and their prying questions and ignorant assumptions sting. The worst of the padawans take her strong emotions and her quick temper as evidence of the failings and inadequacies of all Cathar. Too often, she wonders if they're right.

Juhani isn't entirely alone, but in her bleaker moments she thinks she might as well be. She and Dak Vesser often confide in each other, but Dak's doubt in the Jedi Order runs deeper than hers, and when he tells her he's leaving she can't follow. On other nights, underneath the stars, she and Belaya grant each other whatever comfort they can. But despite the intimacy they share, some part of Juhani still holds Belaya at arm's length, conscious as always of the Jedi prohibition of attachments and of everything they're risking with their trust.

In the end, the only person who can convince Juhani to go on is a Jedi she may never meet again. Word of Revan's power and incredible bravery has continued to spread. Her legend grows each day. Some of the more cynical padawans scoff at such stories, believing them embellished if not wholly false. But Juhani saw Revan's lightsaber flashing as it cut down evildoers, felt the strength of her arm when she reached out and pulled Juhani away from her own doom. After everything Juhani has experienced, how could she do anything other than believe?

But alongside the tales of Revan's heroism, new rumors are emerging. Some say Revan and Malak have turned their backs on the Jedi Order, that they have pursued the knowledge they crave to a place no one else dares to follow and fallen to the dark side in the process. In a strange way, Juhani takes comfort from this, too. Even Revan, noble and powerful as she is, can be misunderstood by others. The Jedi Council actively opposed war with the Mandalorians, no matter the cost of their inaction - but Revan defied them anyway. No one in the galaxy expected Revan and Malak's forces to prevail - but against all odds, they won the war. If Revan can find the strength to do what is right despite it all, surely Juhani can and will do the same.

* * *

The ancient grove is no place for anyone to live, but Juhani has no other choice. Even on a temperate planet like Dantooine, the nights are cold. The wind blows ceaselessly through the few thin blankets she managed to take with her when she fled the Jedi Temple. Its breezes carry the despondent howls of the maddened kath hounds she knows she has corrupted with her presence. She subsists on a meager diet of bitter native plants and whatever she can steal from the roving Mandalorian mercenaries. She is utterly alone now, and she wants it that way. She knows she deserves no better since she struck down Master Quatra.

(And yet, even this twisted life is preferable to the one she narrowly escaped on Taris. Better to spend eternity as an acolyte of the dark side than to live a single day as anyone's slave.)

If anyone were to ask Juhani what sustains her through her long nights and desolate days in the grove, she would tell them what they expected to hear and give all the credit to the power of the dark side. Yet privately, she knows the answer is Revan. Just before Juhani failed her final test, the news of Revan's return as a Dark Lord of the Sith reached the Academy. If even the mighty Revan ultimately could not resist the call of the dark side, who can blame someone as weak and imperfect as Juhani for falling? It's not a very comforting thought, but it's enough. Revan's story in her heart and Revan's name on her lips keep her alive when nothing else can.

* * *

"I have no desire to kill you, Juhani."

Juhani has fallen to her knees. Her lightsaber, now extinguished, tumbles limply from her fist. She looks up at the Jedi who is suddenly refusing to finish the same fight she started. A human woman, dark-skinned and attractive, regards her with confident compassion. Her lithe body betrays no sign of exertion despite the fury of the duel.

"You...you do not?" Juhani says. She doesn't know why she's still talking; something in this Jedi's calm, receptive presence demands it. "I sit here and think myself to be great by embracing the dark side, but I am nothing! There is no way I could be turned back! I always thought they held me back, were jealous of my power. But it is only because I was not good enough to meet their standards. I never have been."

"Come now, Juhani," says the Jedi with a smile. "You are a beautiful young woman who has much talent."

Juhani can't believe what she's hearing. The Jedi's expression is earnest and without sarcasm, her posture open and relaxed. _It's a trick,_ thinks Juhani, _she wants me to let my guard down so I won't defend myself against her_ \- but no. If this Jedi wanted to kill her, she could already have done it at any time. She really does want to listen.

"I thank you for your kind words, Jedi," Juhani stammers. "I seem to still have much to learn…Both about being a Jedi, and about myself. But I wish the cost of my ignorance had not been so high. I wish that my Master had not suffered because of me."

"It is not your fault, Juhani."

The conversation continues from there. It's been so long since Juhani spoke to anyone, and pouring out her story is as much a relief as getting someone else to scratch an itch her own claws can't quite reach. Each time she repeats _I am fallen, I am broken, the Order would never forgive someone like me_ , the Jedi responds with patient reassurances of Juhani's obvious strength and goodness in spite of her mistakes. Over and over, she insists that the Jedi Masters will forgive Juhani if she comes to them as a true penitent, that the light side of the Force will always welcome anyone who chooses to pursue it. If this stranger can already believe, against all odds, that Juhani might yet be redeemed, why can't Juhani believe the same about herself?

Before long, Juhani is convinced. Even though she can't be certain the Jedi will take her back, she knows she will regret it for the rest of her life if she doesn't try. She thanks the Jedi one last time and sprints away, down the hill and toward the temple. The stiff breeze ruffles her fur and dries the tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. She doesn't know why the Jedi thought it so important to convince her of her own value. She only knows she will be forever grateful.

* * *

Deep in the Shadowlands of Kashyyyk, three Mandalorian mercenaries materialize from nowhere, wrongly believing they have found easy prey. They decloak soundlessly behind Jolee and Tana, their vibroblades poised to strike a killing blow. Juhani thinks them foolish to attack two people in Jedi robes in a place so hazardous most Wookiees won't even go there, even if those Jedi appear unarmed. Maybe Revan and Malak really did take everything from the Mandalorians, even their cunning and their wisdom.

The mercenaries think they outnumber their unsuspecting targets. They don't know Juhani is already a step ahead of them. She, too, has cloaked herself with the combined strength of a stealth field generator and the Force. Before the Mandalorians can attack, she deactivates the field and flickers into existence behind one hapless soldier. He glances over his shoulder as he hears her lightsaber igniting, but it's already too late. Twin purple blades slice through his inadequate armor. He crumples, lifeless, at Juhani's feet.

Tana and Jolee have also drawn their lightsabers and assumed fighting stances. The remaining two Mandalorians are smarter, or perhaps just luckier, than their fallen comrade. They evade Tana and Jolee's first attacks and back away, activating their energy shields and adopting defensive postures. Juhani raises her hand, concentrates, and projects a wave of pure Force energy at the mercenaries. Their leader stumbles and soon regains his balance, but the other mercenary topples over backwards and lands in a heap several meters away.

Then the fight becomes too chaotic for Juhani to keep track of who does what to whom. Lightsabers flare and clash against vibroblades. The Force washes through her awareness as Tana and Jolee deploy every power they possess. A grenade thuds softly on the ground nearby, and she narrowly leaps away before it explodes. Tana isn't so lucky; a puddle of blue adhesive clings to her legs and immobilizes her.

With a shout of rage, Juhani charges at the Mandalorian who threw the grenade. He's traded his vibroblade for a blaster, and she easily deflects the bolts he fires at her. His shields absorb her first strike. She moves to attack him again, and his hands snake past her guard and grab her wrists. His thumbs dig in, striking a nerve. Pain shoots up her arms as he bends her joints backwards. She cries out and drops her lightsaber.

The mercenary slams his body against Juhani's and shifts his center of gravity. Suddenly she's flat on her back on the soft, swampy ground. She tries to pick herself up, but he kicks her in the head. Stars explode in front of her vision. Then, without warning, the barrel of his blaster gapes dark and decisive before her. She's too dizzy to dodge away. It's ironic, she thinks - her parents escaped the Mandalorians at the height of their power, and yet their sad and weakened remnants will destroy her after all.

But before the mercenary can pull the trigger, he stiffens and lets out a guttural grunt. A column of green plasma abruptly bursts through the center of his chest. He collapses, revealing Tana behind him, gripping her lightsaber and shaking the last residue of the adhesive grenade from her ankles. She waves her arm over Juhani's prone form. Healing Force energy flows from Tana and into her, clearing her pounding headache and her confusion alike.

Tana crouches, grasps Juhani's wrist, and pulls Juhani up into a seated position. "That was too close," she says softly.

"I know. Thank you." Tana isn't letting go of Juhani's arm yet. In her dark eyes, Juhani sees the same determined compassion she first saw in the grove on Dantooine - her fundamental belief that everyone can be saved, and her total commitment to making their redemption a reality if they choose it. But this time, she thinks she sees something deeper in Tana's expression than just Jedi-approved concern for all life. Or is she deluding herself?

Tana's hand is still on Juhani's arm, heavy and warm and comforting. Juhani puts her free hand over Tana's and they rise as one out of the mud. Tana bends over again to retrieve Juhani's fallen lightsaber. Their fingertips brush again as Tana passes the weapon to Juhani, the brief moment of contact somehow electric and thrilling. _No,_ Juhani thinks. _I'm not imagining this at all._

* * *

After the _Leviathan_ , Tana wants to act as if nothing has changed. En route to Manaan, she putters around the _Ebon Hawk_ , checking up on everyone else, asking for grenades and stimulants and medkits, smiling politely and insisting she's fine whenever anyone brings up the topic of Revan. The whole crew sees through it, but only Juhani is bold enough to say so. She finds Tana lying on her narrow bed in her quarters, staring at the tarnished metal ceiling as the _Ebon Hawk_ slices through hyperspace. Tana rolls toward Juhani as the door seals shut behind her and regards her wearily. "Is there something you need, Juhani?"

She'd planned to be blunt, to say something like _No, but I know you are in pain and you need my help, even if you do not want to admit it_ \- but she can't get the words out. "No. I am sorry to disturb you. I wondered if you might…"

Tana sits up. "Just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it."

"I want you, just for one day, to stop thinking about what others might need and focus on what _you_ need." Juhani's tone is harsher than she wants it to be, and Tana's eyes widen in surprise. Juhani hangs her head. "I am sorry. I should not have spoken to you in such a manner. I must not permit my emotions to control me."

"Don't apologize." Tana's fingers brush Juhani's chin and gently tilt her head upward. "You're right. I'm having a hard time asking for what I need right now. I shouldn't take it out on you."

"You do not need to apologize to me, either. Nor do I wish to impose anything upon you. But if you _do_ think of any way I might ease your mind, even if only for a time…"

There's a long silence before Tana says softly, "I don't think this problem can be fixed, Juhani. But would you stay with me anyway?"

"Of course I will."

Tana's shoulders sag with relief. She lies down on the bed again, facing the wall. Juhani cautiously lies down beside her, gradually closing the distance between them until she can wrap her arms around Tana's stiff form. The bond they share, whatever it is, is new enough that even this simple touch sets every nerve in Juhani's body ablaze. She holds Tana close, not speaking, waiting for her to make the next move.

At last, Tana whispers, "I wish I remembered some of it. You know. From when I was Revan."

"Are you sure?"

"Don't get me wrong, I'm sure those memories aren't pleasant. But without them, I can't stop imagining the worst. At least if I knew exactly what I'd done, I might know where to begin. Right now, it feels like nothing will ever balance out all the evil Revan did."

"Revan did not only do evil."

"Lying to me won't make me feel better, Juhani."

"It is not a lie. I was there."

Tana goes motionless in Juhani's arms, then rolls over to face her, looking incredulous. Juhani keeps talking. "Have you already forgotten what I told you? Revan freed me from the slave markets on Taris. _You_ freed me. I became a Jedi because of you. You may not remember it, but I do. And I am not alone. Good people - _innocent_ people - who would have died in terror and pain are alive and well today because of Revan's actions. It is right to grieve for the ones Revan harmed, yes. But have you ever considered the ones Revan _saved_?"

Tana squeezes her eyes shut and draws in a deep, shaky breath. "I never thought about it that way," she admits.

"Perhaps you should begin. I assure you, there are beings in this galaxy for whom Revan is still a name of liberation and heroism, not a Dark Lord of the Sith. If you cannot see yourself this way, it does not matter. _We_ can. And we hope someday you will join us."

After another long pause, Tana takes Juhani's face in both her trembling hands and pulls her into a gentle, lingering kiss. _That's new,_ thinks Juhani, _and I welcome it._ Every other time they've been together, it's been a fierce and almost furtive thing, tempered as always by their shared knowledge of the Council's disapproval. The Jedi Masters wouldn't necessarily disapprove of the sex - even Jedi Knights have physical needs - but they would certainly object to the undeniable attachment Juhani and Tana are forming. But perhaps it's time to admit neither one of them is exactly an average Jedi. 

When they finally pause to catch their breath, Tana asks, "Will you stay with me a little longer? Please? I just need...I want to forget about Revan for a while. With you."

"It would be my pleasure," Juhani says, and kisses her again.

The Jedi have taught Juhani patience and serenity above all else. She needs everything they've taught her to content herself with ever-deepening kisses and with her fingers tangling in Tana's thick hair until Tana starts to undress her. She removes Tana's clothing in turn, taking her time, enjoying the contrast of her fur rubbing against Tana's soft skin. She kisses Tana's neck, then her collarbone. Tana's hand alights on the back of her neck, guiding her lower, toward everything Juhani always knew she'd ask for in the end.

Juhani has her rhythm now, isn't afraid to linger and to tease. She strokes and kisses Tana's breasts until Tana's hips rise involuntarily off the bed as tiny moans escape her parted lips. "Please, Juhani," Tana gasps, "please, I need your mouth on me."

Juhani crawls down to the end of the bunk and crouches between Tana's spread legs. Tana didn't know, before she first asked for it, that Cathar don't really do this to each other. Their first few attempts were awkward and fumbling, made more challenging by Juhani's lack of familiarity with human anatomy as well as the roughness of her tongue, but the effort of learning was worth it for the sake of how easily it drives Tana over the brink.

She bends forward, circling Tana's center with her lips, until at last her tongue darts out and finds the spot that makes Tana draw in a sharp sudden breath. Deliberately, thoroughly, Juhani licks her, using only the soft edges of her tongue until Tana's cries of need and the motion of her hips against Juhani's mouth say she's ready for the coarser surface. She traces intricate patterns around Tana's clit, varying them in response to Tana's whispered requests and the wordless demands of her body. When Tana comes, arching her back, clutching the blankets, Juhani doesn't stop until Tana pushes her head away.

Tana guides Juhani upward until they're face to face again. Juhani kisses her on the shoulder and suddenly becomes aware of her own insistent arousal, a low hot flame of want pulsing steadily at her core. Tana notices it too. She slips a hand between Juhani's legs and begins to rub. Before long Juhani, too, is thrashing in the grip of a climax, chasing the last electric shocks of pleasure until the movements of Tana's fingers slow and then stop.

As Tana lies peacefully in Juhani's arms, the creases of worry and pain in her brow begin to relax for the first time in days. _I did that_ , thinks Juhani proudly. When Tana meets her appreciative gaze, she tries to say something comforting, but what comes out is, "I love you." Tana's mouth falls slightly open, and Juhani finds herself babbling to fill the silence. "And I know the Jedi Council would not approve, and I know it is unlikely you feel the same, but it does not matter. I need you to know how deeply I care for you."

"And why would you think I don't feel the same?"

Juhani glances away, unable to bear the weight of Tana's attention upon her. "I have so much to be ashamed of," she says in a small voice.

Tana's shoulders shake with brief, sharp laughter. "And you think I don't?"

"No! Yes. I mean...it is only…" Juhani sighs in frustration. "I have never truly been a hero, or a villain. Not like you. Neither good nor evil comes easily to me. If I fail, if I fall again...I do not wish to drag you down with me."

"I don't want to do that to you, either."

"Then you see why I am afraid."

"So am I. But what if it's all worth it?"

Juhani meets Tana's gaze again. In it she sees a profound serenity inherited from the Jedi, yet somehow no longer beholden to their ways alone. "What do you mean?" Juhani asks.

"Lately I've been wondering...what if the time we spent on the dark side wasn't because we were weak, or because there was something wrong with us? What if it happened because there was something we needed to learn from it? If I'd never been Revan, if you'd never exiled yourself in the grove, would either of us understand how important resisting the dark side is?"

"I...am not sure I would."

"Me neither. And so I also wonder, what if being with you is the same? What if we're meant to be here for each other? What you said just now, how you made me see things in a different way...it tells me this is right, no matter what the Jedi Code might say about it. I love you, too, Juhani. If I know that much, I don't need to know anything more."

Tana - Revan - kisses her again, deep and slow, and any doubts Juhani might have felt rapidly melt away beneath the pressure of her lips. _She's not the woman I imagined all those years ago,_ thinks Juhani. _She's better._ No matter what the future may hold for them, she hopes they will spend it rescuing each other, again and again, as many times as it takes.

**Author's Note:**

> The name "Tana" as Revan's alias is courtesy of the KOTOR character creation screen random name generator - feel free to replace it with your preferred name for Revan as you see fit. :)
> 
> All gratitude to my beta [Mendeia](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/mendeia), whose insightful feedback was tremendously helpful.


End file.
